Peter:
Hi, I’m Peter Griffin. All of us here at Family Guy would like to wish you a Merry Christmas, or a Happy Jew Christmas, depending on your religion.
Lois:
Peter, it’s Hanukkah.
Peter:
Oh, sorry.
[Chris laughs]
Meg:
Shut up, Chris! This is supposed to be serious!
Chris:
Okay, we’ve prepared a musical holiday greeting that we would like to sing for you.
Lois:
Brian, would you start us off?
Brian:
Sure.
Stewie:
You know, I heard we can say dirty words on this album.
Chris:
Ha ha, Boobie! I said boobie. Did you hear me? Ha, I said it twice.
Brian:
Okay, okay, take it easy, you guys [clears throat] Ladies and gentlemen, the lush arrangements of Walter Murphy.
[synthesized orchestra begins playing]
The snow is glistening in the trees,
As Christmas carols fill the breeze,
And children pray on bended knees…
Stewie:
Santa Claus, be sure you don’t
Screw up my freakin’ order, please!
Brian:
Great, thanks for destroying the mood.
Chris:
Dad, what do you want for Christmas?
Peter:
Ah, let’s see…
Britney Spears and Courtney Cox
Wearing nothing but their socks
Is all I really want for Christmas this year!
Brian:
Well, that’s just not practical.
Peter:
Plenty of beer and so much scotch
That I hit on my own crotch
Is all I really want for Christmas this year!
How about you Lois, what do you want?
Lois:
All my flabbin’ cellulite surgically uprooted
Then installed in Julia Roberts’ a**, Ha!
Spending a steamy night between
Kevin and his partner Bean
Giggling as they remove my bra**iere.
Peter & Lois:
All these happy wishes
And lots of Christmas cheer
Is all I really want this year
Lois:
What do you want, Meg?
Stewie:
How about something to remove her Matt Houston mustache?
Meg:
I want a house in Malibu
And a cure for bacne, too.
That’s all I really want for Christmas this year!
Chris:
Eww! You have bacne!
Meg:
Shut up, Chris!
Peter:
Anything else, honey?
Meg:
I want a singing navel, Dad,
Just like on that Levi’s ad.
That’s all I really want for Christmas this year!
Brian:
All I can say is, thank God that advertising firm doesn’t do tampons.
Chris:
Now me!
There’s an evil monkey, who’s
Living in my closet,
I just wish he’d go away and die,
I want Jillian Barberie,
Rubbing up real close to me
Saying dirty, bad things into my ear.
Stewie:
Oh, she’s atrocious.
Chris:
All these happy wishes
And lots of Christmas cheer
Is all I really want this year
Stewie:
Well, it’s your turn, dog. As if anyone gives a two-shilling sh** about what you want.
Brian:
Every year I’ve prayed and prayed
For a girl who isn’t spayed.
That’s all I really want for Christmas this year.
Chris:
What does spayed mean?
Peter:
Oh, you know, like Melissa Etheridge.
Brian:
I’d love it if you would not hara** me
When I start to chew my a**
That’s all I really want for Christmas this year!
Your turn, kid.
Stewie:
Is it awfully much to have
Just one evening weekly
Where there is no cover charge at Rage?
Brian:
I knew it!
Stewie:
Knew what?
Lois’ name I’d love to see
With the letters R.I.P.
She’s alive and well, but let’s play by ear.
All:
All these happy wishes
And lots of Christmas cheer
Is all I really want this year!
Stewie:
Oh, dear. That high note rather did me in. Would somebody please change me?
Road to the North Pole version
Peter:
Jessica Biel and Megan Fox
Wearin’ nothin’ but their socks
Is all I really want for Christmas this year.
Brian:
Well, that’s just not practical.
Lois:
Spending a week in Mexico
With some black guys and some blow
Is all I really want for Christmas this year.
Peter:
Aw, that sounds terrific. How about you, kids?
Chris:
I would like a pair of skates,
Then I’d go out skating,
But I really don’t know how to skate.
Ha-ha!
Meg:
I want a Lexus all in pink
And a dad who doesn’t drink.
Peter:
Oh, and that reminds me, twelve kegs of beer.
The Griffins (except Brian):
All these happy wishes
And lots of Christmas cheer
Is all I really want this year.
Brian:
Santa’s got his work cut out for him.
Peter:
Oh, we ain’t even gotten started yet.
Lois:
I wanna tour the Spanish coast…
Peter:
Lunch with Michael Landon’s ghost…
Peter and Lois:
Is all I really want for Christmas this year.
Lois:
Wait, what?
Peter:
Forget it. Keep goin’.
Chris:
Jennifer Garner in my bed…
Meg:
Softer voices in my head…
Chris and Meg:
Is all I really want for Christmas this year.
Stewie:
Yellow cake uranium.
Never mind the reason.
Also Chutes and Ladders and a ball.
[laughs]
Brian:
Doesn’t this seem like too much stuff?
Peter:
Poo on you! It’s not enough!
DVD Lyrics:
s** my dick. It’s not enough!
Stewie:
Buddy boy, I got your Christmas right here. [grabs his crotch]
DVD Lyrics: Why don’t you go out and chase cars, you queer!
Brian:
Look who’s talking.
The Griffins:
All these happy wishes
And lots of Christmas cheer
Is all I really want this year.
Brian:
I’m just saying it seems a bit excessive.
Lois:
Oh, get off your soapbox, Brian, it’s Christmas.
Peter:
And Christmas is about gettin’. Everyone in town knows that.
Quagmire:
Japanese girls with no restraint
Just to choke me till I faint
Is all I really want for Christmas this year.
Ooh, giggity!
Bonnie:
Platinum-plated silverware…
Joe:
Just one day when kids don’t stare…
Bonnie and Joe:
Is all I really want for Christmas this year.
Mort:
If you put a Christmas tree
In the public airport,
I will go to court and sue your a**!
Happy holiday!
Mayor Adam West:
Wouldn’t I love a Tinkertoy?
Herbert:
And a little drummer boy.
He can either tap his drum or my rear.
Mayor Adam West, Herbert and Mort:
All these happy wishes
And lots of Christmas cheer
Is all I really want this year.
Tom Tucker:
I want a golden mustache comb.
Angela:
And some s**micidal foam.
Tom Tucker and Angela:
That’s all I really want for Christmas this year.
Carter:
I want a brand new pitching wedge.
Consuela:
I would like more Lemon Pledge.
Carter and Consuela:
That’s all I really want for Christmas this year.
Bruce:
I just want a wedding ring
From someone named Jeffrey.
Jillian:
I just want some colored Easter eggs.
Carl:
I want a Blu-ray of The Wiz.
Tomak:
We don’t know what “Christmas” is.
Bellgarde:
We have something else called “Kishgev Fufleer”.
Everyone (except Brian):
All these happy wishes
And lots of Christmas cheer
Is all I really want this year.