MENDEL
Sit down, my dear
I hear you have a problem
I’m sure you’re not disgusting or indiscreet
Take a load off your feet-
TRINA
Love isn’t s**
That’s something my husband told me
Marvin, my ex-
You’ve seen him for years-
Told me over the phone to tell you my fears
Do you only treat queers?
MENDEL
Breathe deep, my dear
You’ll find me understanding
Your pain is a priori
Unfold you untold story
Now to break bread
Loosen your glands
Put your head in my hands
TRINA
I’m everything he wanted
It’s time I put it all together
The date was set
My father let me marry
I married. I…
Then Marvin came from work
Sat me down on the bed
He told me how he loved me
How needed and/or valued me
I have
MENDEL
What?
MARVIN
Syphilis
TRINA
He said
MENDEL
Good
TRINA
I have
MENDEL
Yes?
MARVIN
Syphilis
TRINA
It’s true
MENDEL
Good
TRINA
I had something rotten
Which appears though now it’s well forgotten
MARVIN
Maybe, darling, so do you
TRINA
Maybe, darling, so do you
TRINA
I am probably diseased
MENDEL
You’re a lovely girl
TRINA
And so easily appeased
MENDEL
What a lovely girl, though she’s probably diseased
TRINA
He took pains to not excite us
He explains I’ve
MARVIN
Hepatitis
TRINA
Too
MARVIN, JASON, AND WHIZZER
Hepa hepa hepatitis hepatitis hepatitis
MENDEL
Love is blind
Love can tell a million stories
Love’s unkind
Spiteful in a million ways
TRINA
Then I stayed home from work
Took good care of my men
They faked despair, they wet their bed
They combed their hair, they acted dead
One said
MENDEL
Yes?
JASON
Daddy is a prick
MENDEL
What?
TRINA
He said
MENDEL
Yes?
JASON
Daddy isn’t mine
MENDEL
Good
TRINA
He filled my coats
With candies and notes
With “Will you be my valentine?”
MARVIN (To Whizzer)
Will you be my valentine?
TRINA
This gets harder to believe
MENDEL
You’re a damaged girl
TRINA
I’ve a scalpel up my sleeve
FOUR MEN
What a damaged girl
MENDEL
Do not ever slit your wrists
TRINA
I’ve missed him; he’s still missing
Don’t make noise, but daddy’s kissing
Boys
ALL
Petty, petty, petty, petty
MENDEL AND TRINA
Love is blind
Love can tell a million stories
Love’s unkind
Spiteful in a million ways
ALL
Love is blind
Love can tell a million stories
Love’s unkind
Spiteful in a million ways MARVIN
Love is crazy
Love is often boring
Love stinks
Love is pretty often debris
When you find
What you find. Then
Never, never, never, never, never
Do it over again OTHERS
Love
Love
Love
Love Love reads like a bad biography
All the names are changed
To protect the innocent Love
Love ALL
Love is blind
MENDEL
My name is Mendel
I treat her husband
I think she’s very insecure
But so am I
I’ve never married
Work, work is my pa**ion
Or perhaps that’s an alibi
MARVIN
You think?
MENDEL
I don’t care to discuss it
I think she’s charming
I think she’s needy
In just five sessions on my couch
She’ll be like new
ALL
His name is Mendel
WHIZZER
Ah-ah
MENDEL
Return next Friday
I admit I admire you