[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
And lo, the Lord said unto the Nephites: “I know you’re really depressed, what with all your… AIDS…and everything… but there is an answer in Christ.”
[NABULUNGI, spoken]
You see? This book CAN help us!
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I just told a lie
No, wait, I didn’t lie
I just used my imagination
And it worked!
[CUNNINGHAM’S FATHER]
You’re making things up again, Arnold
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
But it worked, Dad!
[CUNNINGHAM’S FATHER]
You’re stretching the truth again
And you know it
[JOSEPH SMITH]
Don’t be a Fibbing Fran, Arnold
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Joseph Smith…?
[SMITH, FATHER ]
Because a lie is a lie
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
It’s not a lie!
[MORONI, MORMONS, SMITH, and FATHER:]
You’re making things up again, Arnold
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Oh, conscience!
[MORONI, MORMONS, SMITH, and FATHER:]
You’re taking the holy word
And adding fiction!
Be careful how you proceed, Arnold
When you fib, there’s a price
[MIDDALA, spoken]
Ehh, this it bullsh**! The story I have been told is that the way to cure AIDS is by sleeping with a virgin! I’m going to go and rape a baby!
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
What?! Oh my-NO! You can’t do that! NO!
[MIDDALA, spoken]
Why not?
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Because that is DEFINITELY against God’s will!
[MIDDALA, spoken]
Says who? Where in that book of yours does it say anything about sleeping with a baby, huh? Nowhere!
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Uhhhh, behold! The Lord said to the Mormon prophet Joseph Smith “You SHALL NOT have s** with that infant!” LO! Joseph said: “Why not, Lord? Huh? Why not?” And the Lord said, “If you lay with an infant, you shall…burn in the fiery pits of Mordor!”
[MIDDALA, spoken]
Really?
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Uh-huh… Uh-huh! “A baby cannot cure your illness, Joseph Smith. I shall give unto you… a frog!” And thus: Joseph laid with the frog, and his AIDS was no more!
[UGANDANS, spoken]
Ohhhhh!
[MORONI, MORMON, SMITH, and DAD]
You’re making things up again, Arnold
You’re recklessly warping
The words of Jesus!
[HOBBITS]
You can’t just say what you want, Arnold!
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Come, on, Hobbits!
[ALL]
You’re digging yourself a deep hole!
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
I’m making things up again, kinda
But this time, it’s helping
A dozen people
It’s nothing so bad because this time
I’m not committing a sin
Just by making things up again, right?
[ALL]
NO!
[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Elder Cunningham, you have to stop him!
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
What? What is it?
[NABULUNGI, spoken]
Gotswana is going to cut off his daughter’s clitoris!
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Huh?
[GOTSWANA, spoken]
This is all very interesting. But women have to be circumcised if that’s what the General wants!
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
No, no, doing that to a lady is definitely against Christ’s will!
[GOTSWANA, spoken]
How do you know? Christ never said NOTHIN’ ’bout no clitoris!
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
YES! YES HE DID! In ancient New York, three men were about to cut off a Mormon woman’s…clitoris. But…right before they did, Jesus had… BOBA FETT turn ’em into FROGS!
[GOTSWANA, spoken]
Frogs?
[ASMERET, spoken]
You mean like the frogs that got f**ed by Joseph Smith?
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM, spoken]
Right! Right! Like THOSE frogs! For a clitoris is holy amongst ALL things, said he!
[MORONI, MORMON, SMITH, DAD, and HOBBITS]
You’re making things up again, Arnold
[UGANDANS]
We’re learning the truth!
[MORONI, MORMON, SMITH, DAD, and HOBBITS]
You’re taking the holy word
And adding fiction!
[UGANDANS]
The truth about God!
[MORONI, MORMON, SMITH, DAD, and HOBBITS]
Be careful how you proceed, Arnold
When you fib, there’s a price!
[UGANDANS]
We’re going to paradise!
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
Who would have thought
I’d have this magic touch?
Who’d have believed I could
Man up this much?
I’m talking, they’re listening
My stories are glistening
I’m gonna save them all
With this stuff!
[UGANDANS]
Ooooh- La
[MORONI, MORMON, SMITH, DAD, and HOBBITS]
You’re making things up again, Arnold
[UGANDANS]
Elder Cunningham!
[MORONI, MORMON, SMITH, DAD, and HOBBITS]
You’re making things up again, Arnold
[UGANDANS]
Holy prophet man!
[MORONI, MORMON, SMITH, DAD, and HOBBITS]
You’re making things up again, Arnold
[UGANDANS]
Our savior!
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
You’re making things up again
[WIZENED OLD JEDI MASTER]
Hmmm, up again, making things, you are
[ELDER CUNNINGHAM]
Arnold