“Mommy, where do babies come from?”
“It’s pretty simple, actually…”
When a man doesn’t love a woman very, very much
He signs away his paternal rights and jizzes in a cup
Then with lots of money and scientific genius
Hormones, pain and of course, um… Jesus
The process begins the way God intended
With a transvaginal ultrasound
With a wand longer than a ukulele
When it comes out of my body, it makes this sound (pop)
I give myself daily intradermal injections
An acute blood thinner and estrogen concurrence
Cryopreservation through hormonal activation
And none of it’s covered by insurance
Then I’m knocked out and you’re removed
And combined with a stranger’s cum
And as the saying goes: You win some
You lose some (you dispose of the defective ones in a hazardous waste bin)
And then you’re frozen until I’m certain
It’s time to unthaw you into a person
Then you’ll expire or you’ll make the grade
And that, my darling, that’s how babies are made
(It’s so easy and natural)
Hush little egg-baby, don’t say a word
Mama’s gonna freeze you til’ she gets rich
And when that day finally arrives
You’ll be constructed in a petri dish
With s**m donor 8W6-3
The silent partner of our family
So hush little egg-baby, don’t be sad
Just because I never f**ed your dad
I know there are orphans everywhere
But I’m going to pretend that isn’t real
Don’t look at me like that just ’cause I admit it
You had kids and you knew the deal
Yeah, I feel guilty about overpopulation
And ruining the environment for forever
But Osama bin Laden had 20 kids
So f** you, or whatever
Sadly, procreation is not a meritocracy
And we need to prevent a real life idiocracy
Though it may be the ultimate form of narcissism
It’s also a way to re-reverse reverse Darwinism
I want all the stuff, I don’t need a bucket list
It doesn’t make me greedy, it just makes me a feminist
Now I’m thinking back through all the guys I’ve dated
If they heard this song they’d f**ing hate it
Hush little egg-baby, don’t you cry
You’ll have the best genes mommy can buy
I don’t want to wait until I get in dire straights
My friends say if I want kids I should go out on some dates
But these working b**hes don’t have time to leave it to the fates
The world deserves more Rikis and the world deserves more Kates
So hush little egg-baby, dad’s are overrated
He did what mattered when he masturbated
Hush little egg-baby, just hold firm
Mama’s gonna buy you designer s**m
And if that s**m gives you random traits
Mama’s gonna test your DNA
And if your DNA doesn’t make things clear
Mama’s gonna just have to live in fear
And if that fear turns into guilt
Mama’s gonna hold on to what we’ve built
And if I hold too tight as to suffocate
I’ll buy you lots of things to overcompensate
And if that overcompensation’s too transparent
I’ll pretend it’s somehow better with no male parent
And if you say “But Mom, who’s my dad?”
I’ll say “I don’t know” and it’s just too bad
And if that badness forms a hole in your heart
I’ll want to make it up to you but won’t know where to start
I’ll probably start by saying it’s just you and me
And there’s no such thing as a normal family
So f** being normal, let’s do this sh**
Mama’s gonna freeze you til’ she gets rich