[ELLE]
Look at that tanned, well tended skin
Look at the k**er shape he’s in
Look at that slightly stubbly chin
Oh, please, he’s gay
Totally gay!
[CALLAHAN]
I’m not about to celebrate
Every trait could indicate
A totaly straight expatriate
That guy’s not gay
I say not gay
[CALLAHAN/ELLE/ENSEMBLE]
That is the elephant in the room
Well, is it relevant to a**ume
That a man who wears perfume
Is automatically, radically fae?
[EMMETT]
But look at his coifed and crispy locks
[ELLE]
Look at his silk translucent socks
[CALLAHAN]
That’s the eternal paradox
Look what we’re seein’
[VIVIENNE]
What are we seein’?
[CALLAHAN]
Is he gay?
[ELLE]
Of course he’s gay!
[CALLAHAN]
Or European?
[ENSEMBLE]
Ohhhh
Gay or European?
It’s hard to guarantee
Is he gay or European?
[WARNER]
Well, hey, don’t look at me
[VIVIENNE]
You see they bring their boys up different
In those charming foreign ports
They play peculiar sports
[VIVIENNE/ENSEMBLE]
In shiny shirts and tiny shorts
[ENSEMBLE]
Gay or foreign fella?
The answer could take weeks
They both say things like “Ciao, Bella”
While they kiss you on both cheeks
[ELLE]
Oh, please
[ENSEMBLE]
Gay or European?
So many shades of gray
[WARNER]
Depending on the time of day
The French go either way
[ENSEMBLE]
Is he gay or European, or–?
[ENID]
There, right there!
Look at that condescending smirk
Seen it on every guy at work
That is a metro, hetero jerk
That guy’s not gay, I say, no way
[ENSEMBLE]
That is the elephant in the room
Well is it relevant to presume
That a hottie in that costume
[VIVIENNE]
Is automatically, radically
[CALLAHAN]
Ironically, chronically
[ENID]
Certainly, flirtingly
[WARNER]
Genetically, medically
[ENSEMBLE]
Gay, offically gay
Swishily gay, gay, gay, gay…
Damn it!
Gay or European?
[CALLAHAN]
So stylish and relaxed
[ENSEMBLE]
Is he gay or European?
[CALLAHAN]
I think his chest is waxed
[VIVIENNE]
But they bring their boys up different there
It’s culturally diverse
It’s not a fashion curse
[ENSEMBLE]
If he wears a kilt or bears a purse
Gay or just exotic?
I still can’t crack the code
[BROOKE]
Yeah, his accent is hypnotic
But his shoes are pointy toed
[ENSEMBLE]
Huh
Gay or European?
So many shades of gray
[JUDGE]
But if he turns out straight
I’m free at eight on Saturday
[ENSEMBLE]
Is he gay or European?
Gay or European?
Gay or Euro–
[EMMETT]
Wait a minute
Give me a chance to crack this guy
I have an idea I’d like to try
[CALLAHAN]
The floor is yours
[EMMETT]
So, Mr Argitakos
This alleged affair with Ms Wyndham has been going on for…?
[NIKOS]
Two years
[EMMETT]
And your first name again is…?
[NIKOS]
Nikos
[EMMETT]
And your boyfriend’s name is…?
[NIKOS]
Carlos
I-I, sorry!
I misunderstand!
You say “boyfriend”
I thought you say “best friend”
Carlos is my best friend
[CARLOS]
You bastard!
You lying bastard!
That’s it, I no cover for you no more!
Peoples, I have a big announcement
This man is gay AND European
[ENSEMBLE]
Whoa!
[CARLOS]
And neither is disgrace
You gotta stop your bein’
A completely closet case
It’s me, not her he’s seein’
No matter what he say
I swear he never, ever, ever swing the other way
You are so gay, you big parfait
You flaming one man cabaret
[NIKOS]
I’m straight!
[CARLOS]
You were not yesterday
So if I may, I’m proud to say
He’s gay
[ENSEMBLE]
And European!
[CARLOS]
He’s gay
[ENSEMBLE]
And European!
[CARLOS]
He’s gay
[ENSEMBLE]
And European
And gay
[NIKOS]
Fine, okay, I’m gay
[CARLOS/ENSEMBLE]
Hooray!