WHIZZER
A day in Falsettoland
Dr. Mendel at work
MENDEL
I don’t get it
I don’t get it
In the ’60s, everyone had heart
In the ’60s, we were all a part of the same team
In the ’60s, we had a new world to start
Could this, oh God, don’t say this
Could this be the new world we started?
Here I sit, brokenhearted and…
PATIENT (actress of CORDELIA)
You go out on the street, and there’s all these people asking for a handout. Then you go home. You open your mail, and it’s full of people asking for donations. Then, you turn on the TV, and there’s pictures of starving children in Ethiopia
MENDEL
And how does that make you feel, Diane?
PATIENT
Caroline
MENDEL
Caroline?
PATIENT
Yes, my name is Caroline
My God!
MENDEL
I don’t get it
I’ve been left behind
Half my patients:
Yuppy pagans
Modeled on the
Ronald Reagans
Now the world is too pathetic
And I don’t get it at all
PATIENT
Now that I got the promotion, can I finally stop sleeping with my boss?
MENDEL
Time’s up
PATIENT
You always do this!
(The Patient exits)
MENDEL
At least there’s Trina at home
Trina in bed
Trina obsessing and
Sort of caressing
My head with her feet
I once thought it was sweet
But I don’t anymore
Now I just snore
Because I’m so exhausted
Listening to these yuppy farts complain
Listening as their shallow hearts explain
Their lives
CHARLOTTE
Trina works it out
(Trina enters, stretching, and dressed for a work out)
TRINA
Marvin’s back with Whizzer
Just like how it was
If I don’t like Whizzer
It’s because my ex sure does
Why should that upset me?
Sometimes I’m a lout
Mendel serenades, and Jason calms me
Why should I be wilting
When their precious love
Is not in doubt?
Work it out!
JASON
The neighbors relax after work
(Cordelia enters with food. Charlotte enters their home)
CORDELIA
How was your day at the hospital?
CHARLOTTE
Unbelievable
What is that smell
CORDELIA
Nouvelle bar mitzvah cuisine
I’ve been practicing
Cuisine bar mitzvah nouvelle
(Mendel joins Trina, now also dressed to work out)
MENDEL
Hi, honey
CORDELIA
Well…?
TRINA
Hi, honey
MENDEL
How was your day?
TRINA
It was terrible
Did you hear that
Marvin’s back with Whizzer?
Marvin’s back with Whizzer!
MENDEL
Drop it, sweetheart
Give it up
You know I love you
What’s the matter
Trina darling?
I don’t get it
Why can’t you let go?
TRINA
Maybe in a mile, I’ll be ok
I cannot let go until we have this bar mitzvah
MENDEL
Isn’t it enough
I want you every night
TRINA
Hahaha
MENDEL
Every other night?
TRINA
I wish
MENDEL
Every third night?
TRINA
Hm…
MENDEL
Let’s drop it
Everything will be alright
TRINA
Everything will be alright
MENDEL AND TRINA
Everything will be alright
CORDELIA
How was your day at the hospital?
CHARLOTTE
It was wonderful
For the first time in months, nobody died
CORDELIA
Yay!
CHARLOTTE
There were just
Heart attacks and gall stones
Lightbulbs up the a**
Fake appendicitis, which was gas
Which I diagnosed
People overdosed, and I saved them
I saved young people, old people
One priest, and one high school principal
Saving lives, I feel invincible
Yes I do
Do you know how great my life is?
Do you know how great my life is?
Saving lives and loving you
CORDELIA
You save lives and I save chicken fat
I can’t f**ing deal with that!
CHARLOTTE
Do you know how great my life is?
MENDEL AND TRINA
Everything will be alright
CORDELIA
Yes, I know how great your life is
CHARLOTTE
Do you know how great my life is?
MENDEL AND TRINA
Everything will be alright
CORDELIA
Yes, I know how great your life is
CHARLOTTE
Saving lives
CHARLOTTE AND CORDELIA
And loving you
(Marvin and Whizzer enter, dressed for Racquetball and holding racquets. Their scene is played on the court)
WHIZZER
Ha
It bounced twice
MARVIN
No, it didn’t
WHIZZER
Yeah, once than twice
You know it did
MARVIN
That’s not nice
WHIZZER
No, it isn’t
But you’re a pain in the a**
MARVIN
You’re a beast
But, at least
When you play me, you win
WHIZZER
You give up
MARVIN
I perspire
WHIZZER
Where’s the heat?
Where’s the fire?
Used to be, you desired
A fight!
So fight!
MARVIN
So play!
WHIZZER
One-two-three-four!
MARVIN
One-two-three-four!
WHIZZER
One-two-three-four!
MARVIN
One-two-three-four!
WHIZZER
One-two-three-four!
MARVIN
One-two-three-four!
WHIZZER
One-two-three-four!
MARVIN
One-two-three-four!
WHIZZER
Lucky dink!
MARVIN
I’m finessing
WHIZZER
Eh, something stinks in how you play
MARVIN
Don’t you think it’s a blessing
I’m so pathetically bad?
WHIZZER
Just stay back
Serve with force
I’ll attack
And, of course
I will win
Just give in to bliss
And kiss
MARVIN
Let’s go!
Do you know
WHIZZER
Down the alley
MARVIN
All I want is you
WHIZZER
High lob
MARVIN
Anything you do
WHIZZER
Low drive
MARVIN
Is all right
WHIZZER
Ceiling shot
MARVIN
Yes it’s all right
WHIZZER
Into the corner
MARVIN
Do you know?
WHIZZER
Four walls
MARVIN
All I want is…
WHIZZER
Dink
MARVIN
…You
WHIZZER
Hit your shoe
MARVIN
No, it didn’t
WHIZZER
Yes it is
The game is through
MARVIN
That’s not nice
WHIZZER
No, it isn’t
MARVIN
God you’re a pain in the a**
WHIZZER
Play it raw
Don’t play pretty
Sex and games
In New York City
Have got to be played with flair
And pa**ion, hey
And pa**ion and flair
MARVIN, WHIZZER, CHARLOTTE, AND CORDELIA
Do you know
CHARLOTTE AND CORDELIA
How great my life is?
MARVIN AND WHIZZER
All I want is you
CHARLOTTE AND CORDELIA
Do you know how great my life is?
MARVIN AND WHIIZER
Anything you do
Is alright
CHARLOTTE AND CORDELIA
Saving lives and loving you
MARVIN AND WHIZZER
Yes it’s alright
MARVIN, WHIZZER, MENDEL, TRINA, CHARLOTTE, CORDELIA (dispersedly)
Everything will be alright!
Everything will be alright!
Everything will be alright!
Everything will
Everything will
Feel alright for the rest of your life!
Feel alright for the rest of your life!
Feel alright for the rest of your life!
Feel alright for the rest of your life!
Feel alright
Feel alright
Feel alright for the rest of your life!
Feel alright for the rest of your life!
Feel alright for the rest of your
Rest of Your
Everything will be alright!